Growing up as a kid I always wanted to be like my mother. I remember going to school and saying that I wanted to be a waiter like my mother. I grew up in a two parent household with 5 siblings. Everything was perfect. I had everything a kid could ever want. I knew no pain or sadness.
It was up until I was 7-10 years old that I started to feel different. I started to feel like I was not part of my family. Like I didn’t belong. It was up until this time that the rumors started to reach my ears that my father was not my biological father.I kind of knew that he wasn’t I just did not want to accept it. It was around this time that I started to feel left out. I had this feeling inside of me that my family did not accept me. That was something that I always felt growing up. I just wanted to play, to feel part of the family, to feel like I belonged and most importantly feel loved. I never really noticed how much my mother worked. It was around this time that I started to get in trouble at school. I started to rebel. I grew up with a mentality that being cool meant getting into trouble. I know now that I did it to get attention. It was nothing major but then my whole life changed in an instant.
I was ten years old when I suffered a sexual abuse at the hands of my uncle. I remember waking up one morning and finding him laying next to me. I knew something was wrong because his facial expression showed that I caught him in the act. He asked me “where is your mom” I replied “shes asleep”. He then told me “ok ill be back later”. I looked out the window and saw him drive away. I remember I got up to go to the bathroom and I remember my whole body felt weird. I had goosebumps all over my body. I did not feel right. I remember just going back and forth in my mind about what happened. I was young so I did not really know what to make of it.I waited for my mom to wake up and I told her what happened. She called the cops. They came over, took me to the station and interviewed me. I don’t really know the details of their investigation but I do know my uncle confessed. The worst part about this incident is that I never really talked about this incident. I never opened up to anyone. I just kind of closed the book on that chapter in my life and bottled it down deep inside of me. Before this incident happened I had begun to smoke tobacco. Because my stupid mentality that I had in my eyes it was cool. I had seen marijuana because the environment I grew up well it was all around me. So that seed of curiosity had already been planted. The first time I got high I was 11 years old and hanging out with guys 5 years older than me. I began skipping school. Just being high all day everyday. Not caring about my future. Not caring about myself. Just running away from my reality. In my eyes everything was good it wasn’t until I turned to a new drug that everything started to fall apart.
I smoked crystal meth for the first time when I was 13 years old. Again my environment planted that seed of curiosity. I remember the first time I got high off crystal. I was looking for weed to buy. There wasn’t any. So some guy I smoked weed with told “hey you want to try meth’. With that curiosity planted in me I said “hell yea”. We proceeded to his house and I smoked meth for the first time. I wasn’t prepared for the repercussions that would await me.
I was 13 years old. Still in middle school. Still an adolescent. Going to school high. Going through withdrawls during math class. Just going against everything a normal teenager does. I soon found myself having problems with the law. Igot expelled from school. I soon found myself going to community school. A special school for kids with disciplinary problems. It was around this time that I started to drink alcohol heavily. Not one day went by that I wasnt drunk or high. My meth use had decreased due to it being frowned upon by my environment but alcohol and weed consumption took its place. Party,party,party was life. I would go to school high. Sometimes even drunk. I stopped paying attention and soon I dropped out. I became a high school dropout and in my mind that was cool.
This went on for many years.Just a cycle of weed,alcohol,cocaine and pills. In my eyes living the “cool life”Never quite accomplished anything. Never had any aspirations in my life except to get drunk, high and find the next party.All these drugs that I used never quite satisfied me. I would always find myself drunk at 3 in the morning looking for meth. I was a closet user. To my friends I would only use cocaine,marijuana ,Xanax and drink alcohol. It was when I started to mix meth and Xanax that i really started to flirt with death. I remember one time I was so out of it that I could just hear my heartbeat going “thump…thump…thump”Beating really really slow. It got to a point were the meth wasn’t even hitting me anymore. Overpowered by xanax. I was able to smoke meth and go out but that soon subsided. I ended up smoking all day. I wouldn’t come out f my house unless it was to score. I started stealing money from my family. I started to borrow money with no intentions of paying them back. I played the p[art of a drug dealer but always ended up owing due to my lifestyle. I was just digging myself into an early grave. No remorse for my actions. I started to isolate myself from the world. I started to feel alone and desperate. I wanted to accomplish things in my life but I wasn’t able to break the habbit.I wasn’t able to free myself from the chains of addiction. I remember I would tell myself no more that’s it. This is the last time.I would soon find myself blowing away .I hated myself and everyone around me. I became a lonewolf. I knew I needed help but my pride and ego would not let me.I wanted to change so bad that I would cry alone. All this and a combination of other things led me to one magical night
I was siting in my bros room. I had some meth on me and a pipe. I had been crying and just smoking away. It suddenly hit me. I took a long look at my life and told myself. Is this it? This is your life? Look at what have you become man. Look at what this drug has done to you. Look at what it has turned you into. Look at what this drug has taken from you. Look at how much this drug has isolated you from the world and most importantly your family. I began to cry. I felt so much guilt from everything I had ever done. I though to myself just end it. The world will be a better place if your not in it.I felt as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I suddenly felt like I was no longer alone.If this wasn’t God then I don’t know who it was. I proceeded to the bathroom and dumped my bag and broke my pipe.I don’t know how but I fell asleep.I woke up the next day and talked to my family about me getting help. I admitted I was powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable and I was able to get help
And here I am at 26 years old. No high school diploma and no career. I am 1 year clean after living a rehab process at clinica Cerem. Slowly getting my life back together and more determined than ever. Its hard but its not impossible. In this recovery process I have found myself. I have discovered that I am capable of accomplishing great things. I have traits virtues along with defects. I realized that life isn’t going to be easy. Its going to hit you over and over again but its how you deal with those hits that truly make you because only after you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.” ― Sade Andria Zabala